Daughter of Fire Read online

  12th November

  WE TOOK THE RIKSHAW to the Allan Forest. L. and I. For the whole morning. It is a lovely forest. A small lake with huge pink lotuses in full flower. My body walked like an automaton, like in a dream. The “dreamfeeling” lost completely when in Darjeeling and since then, was here again, stronger than ever. We sat on the grass on a small hill, later near the lake. We talked about the Path, Guruji’s environment which is not an easy one for a Western woman, about Dhyana and the like.

  “Dreamfeeling? Glimpses from the Buddhic plane. It is created by the inability of the mind to reconcile them with the life on the physical plane,” explained the Guru when asked. A kind of teething trouble of the mind, I thought….

  13th November

  AFTER MY YOGIC EXERCISES, for the first time, I took a bit of butter and a cup of hot tea. Had to admit that it made a lot of difference. It gives a pleasant feeling of well-being in the whole of the body. Guru knows what he is talking about.

  14th November

  “If I knew how painful Love is I would have stood at the entrance of the Lane of Love; I would have proclaimed with the beat of the drum: Keep, keep away, keep away!

  It is not a thorough fare, there is only one way in, Once entered, I am helpless, I stay here….

  But you who are outside; look out!

  Think before entering; how painful it is,

  Full of sorrow, to walk the Lane of Love!”

  HE LOOKED RADIANT, seated cross-legged on the tachat singing this Persian song, beating the time on his thigh with the palm of his hand.

  L. told me afterwards that Sufis rarely speak directly; they will tell a story or sing a song, or tell a parable. It is their way of Teaching. And teaching stories are used by all the Sufi schools.

  “He for instance would speak to me and mean you,” she said; “one has to learn how to listen. A Teacher has no right to test a disciple or subject him to any trouble, or test, without a previous warning. The warning is never given directly. Often the disciple does not understand it or is made to forget. But the warning is always given, for Sufis believe in the free will of the individual. The human being must consent—his consenting gives the Teacher the right to act according to the necessity and the needs of the disciple, who himself, by consenting, draws down the Grace.”

  It made me think… was still thinking before falling asleep at last.

  Are those songs for me or for L.? The one of the painfulness of love… I wonder.

  8 Effortless Path

  5th November

  THIS MORNING WHILE WE WERE DRESSING, I heard L. grumble and mumble to herself in sheer frustration.

  “What’s the matter, old girl?” I asked.

  “It is very bad for a philosopher not to be able to think,” she said, and we both laughed. “And just imagine: people sitting for hours trying to control the mind, to make it blank, to still the thought process; and we, we have to make an effort to think!”

  She was right. What a System! I thought. Thanks to God, or my Samskaras (karmic seeds), or to whomsoever it may be: what a good fortune to have come here!

  Went to his place. L. was to join me a bit later. An old man was already sitting there, and he and Bhai Sahib were taking about Jinns (Mental Elementals; according to Sufi beliefs a parallel evolution to men). The old man who was sitting opposite the Guru was saying that sometimes Jinns come to a Saint to be trained.

  “To be trained in spiritual things? What for, if they themselves are spirits?” I was amazed.

  “Not only in spiritual things, but also to read or write or some other knowledge belonging to this world,” he said.

  “Is it true?” I asked the Guru.

  “Sometimes it happens,” he smiled.

  “Do you have some Jinns whom you train?”

  He smiled this enigmatic smile of his when he does not want to answer and changed the subject.

  6th November

  “IN OUR SYSTEM the Realization is achieved in one life. One need not come back. You have been here for six weeks. Do you notice how much progress you have made?”

  “The mind does not know about it, so how can I know?”

  “I didn’t ask your mind, I asked YOU.”

  I thought for a while. “Bhai Sahib,” I said, “there is a difference. I always thought that I wanted Truth badly enough; but now it is like a burning fire inside me, a longing, like an obsession.”

  He smiled kindly. Told him that I saw a lot of violet color when I was in his place. Violet flashes of color, even when my eyes were closed.

  “You have a pure heart; there are two ways of lower and higher clairvoyance: Pitriyan and Devayan, respectively. You belong to the higher one.” He looked out of the window thoughtfully. The light of the greenery, the foliage, the shrubs, was reflected in his eyes, and his skin looked greenish; a face not really of this world.

  “I suffer lately from heat-waves; it usually starts in between the shoulder blades, radiates over the thorax, never lower than the stomach, then mounts to the head making my forehead perspire. It never lasts long, perhaps half to one minute. Is the Heart Chakra responsible for it?”

  “Perhaps it is, but maybe it is not. As a rule, I don’t tell which Chakras are activated and which are not. The whole of one’s life would not be long enough to open all the Chakras. In our System it is done by Dhyana. I, myself, have changed the System somewhat. I did it with the knowledge of my Superiors, of course, my Revered Father and my Revered Guru Maharaj.

  “I discovered new Chakras; in the Scriptures not all the Chakras are mentioned. Not all the occult knowledge is given out at one time. Humanity progresses. The Teaching, once secret, is now for everyone. At one time, in the past, rich people were not supposed to know about it, but nowadays everyone is taught who wants to know and is earnest about it. Sannyasis, for instance, work mainly through the Brow Chakra. There is not much love in Sannyasis. In our System the Heart Chakra is mainly used. Of course, when the Heart Chakra is open, such force, such power is flowing through it, that one forgets everything.

  “One day, my Revered Father got an order from his Guru Maharaj to go and search for Saints and Yogis and ask them one question: ‘Can you give me something without an effort from my part?’ ‘No,’ everyone of them answered; ‘we cannot. Nobody can. Go away.’ He left our home just in the clothes he was wearing, taking nothing with him, leaving his wife and children. And when he returned, several years later, he had the same clothes on, or at least they looked the same to us. Have you heard of a System like ours, where the Shishya does not need to make any effort at all?”

  He looked at me with a smile and I had to admit that I never heard of any.

  “No effort needed; just come here and sit. Everything is done for you. Why make an effort? Effort does not lead anywhere. If one is a real Guru, a Sat Guru, and knows how to write on the back of the hearts. The Spiritual Guide does not make conditions; he is like a loving mother. The child can be angry, can run away. The mother does not take it very seriously. She cares for it just the same, and does not love it less, because of it. Shishyas can and do sometimes leave the Guru, but the Guru is never supposed to do so.

  “And where can the Shishya run away? Where can he go? Guru and Shishya relationship is forever. If one is pledged to one Guru, where can one go? The Guru is like an experienced rider; and the experienced rider makes the horse go where he wants.

  “But Shishyas are not slaves. They are free. But even when the personality wants to run away, it is difficult for it to do so: the Higher Self knows better….

  “Ours is the System of freedom. But the majority does not like it.

  People want contortions, Hatha Yoga, discipline, mind control, meditations. They are not happy otherwise, they think nothing is being done. Here, I do not ask you even to pray. Just sit here with me. Even speech is not necessary. Only something one has to explain, sometimes. We live in the epoch of the mind. Mind, Manas, is the ruler. Most of the people are not satisfied; they will not accept any
thing unless at least some kind of explanation is given. Our System has never been widespread; it is for the few. And it is from heart to heart, and the Goal is reached in one life. But how many want the Truth? Are prepared to surrender to the Truth? Not with everyone is it possible. But IT CAN BE DONE.”

  17th November

  WHEN ALREADY IN BED, chatting with L., a sudden happiness pervaded me wave after wave—so light, so completely unconnected with anything belonging to the world.

  Woke up as bright as a bead. This special happiness was gone, but the body felt good and very fit. Exercises on the roof. Bath.

  Gardening. Watered the lawn. After a hasty breakfast went with L. to the Guru.

  He was dictating his correspondence to Panditji. We saw him tearing the receipt of a money order into small pieces. When L. made a smiling remark about the smallness of the pieces of paper, he said with a shrug, that some people apologize so much for nothing, so nobody should be able to read it.

  “I refused this twenty rupees at first; it was in October. Because they told me for what purpose this money should be spent. I am not a slave. I won’t be made a slave of anyone. If they haven’t got enough faith in me that I will spend this money rightly, they can keep it. I surrendered somewhere; I am completely free.

  “A Master is a Master and nobody should tell him what and what not to do. I cannot be limited. In our System we do not want slaves.

  Surrender is NOT slavery. Surrender is Freedom. And Shishyas are NOT slaves, for they learn how to surrender…. “

  18th November

  “HAVE I UNDERSTOOD correctly that in other Systems the Chakras are awakened one by one, and the life-span of an individual proves to be too short for this process to be accomplished? So it can never be completed in one life? Is it so?”

  “In our Yoga System the ultimate result is achieved in one life by Dhyana. Only one Chakra is awakened: the Heart Chakra. It is the only Yoga School, in existence, in which LOVE IS CREATED by the spiritual Teacher. It is done with Yogic Power. The result is, that the whole work of the awakening, of quickening, is done by one Chakra, which gradually opens up all the others. This Chakra is the Leader, and the Leader is doing everything. If you want to buy a part of my property, do you go to the property? Certainly not, you come to me. You deal with the proprietor. And in our System we deal only with the Leader.

  “I told you once that we belong to Raja Yoga. But when you try to study Raja Yoga from books you will be told: do this, do that, concentrate, meditate, sit in this posture. Today it is obsolete. Times have changed. The world is progressing; those methods have been outgrown. They are dead. But our System is alive; it has preserved its dynamism for it is changing with the times.”

  19th November

  WAS A BIT depressed this morning. Everything seemed to be so difficult, not worth while attempting even.

  When at Guru’s place I saw a very old man sitting there, and he was trying desperately to keep awake while the Guru was talking to him non-stop. It was really pitiful to watch how he hardly could keep his eyes open. Out of politeness he just could manage to be sufficiently awake to nod from time to time or mumble something in assent. And clearly even this was a great effort. He was in a deep state, and the Guru kept tearing him out of it quite ruthlessly; it seemed cruel to the poor old thing!

  “Bhai Sahib, you were quite cruel!” I laughed when the man had left.

  He lifted his eyebrows. “Why? He has to learn how to come out of it quickly, up and down, so to say, in and out. The consciousness has to be able to return rapidly and efficiently. The time comes for some people, not for all, when the state of Dhyana becomes so sweet that they are inclined to spend too much time doing it. We are in physical bodies; we are not intended to pass our life in an unconscious state!”

  I kept quiet. I had better get used to the idea that whatever he does is done for a purpose—and stop criticizing!

  There are four kinds of Saints:

  1. MASJU—always merged, mostly under vibration (unconscious, under Love).

  2. SAUK—on the Path of Dhyana, conscious and unconscious; progressing (Love to some extent).

  3. SAUK BIL MASU—Dhyana with Love, becoming warm (unconscious).

  4. MASU BIL SAUK—burning with flames, fully conscious in unconsciousness (Love predominant).

  I asked many questions for the sake of asking, some of them futile, some silly. I did it just to taunt him. He said I should not do it; it is sankalpa-vikalpa, (projections, distractions of the mind, restlessness of thought); it is bad and nothing has ever been solved by the Mind.

  L. told me that I was discourteous, and he is far too patient with me.

  “Opportunity may come once in a lifetime. If missed, who knows how long you will have to wait for another one. Lives perhaps; who knows? I feel you are missing an opportunity. Be careful not to miss the boat.” Her eyes, very blue, very serious, had a sad expression. To miss the boat… a feeling of exasperation seized me: I MUST, I simply MUST… somehow, I must stop, must accept… but how? I did not know….

  20th November

  LAST EVENING I fell asleep when sitting in the usual corner on the tachat in Guru’s room. Nobody saw me. It was so still and quiet and dark. L. was in deep Dhyana. I did not sleep for the last few nights, but felt no tiredness, no sleepiness in the evening, just as it was at the beginning. L. always told me that the tiredness is the result of fighting the “Thing”—I presume she means the impact of Spiritual Power.

  I am as fresh as could be in the morning. The brain is clear. Feeling full of energy.

  There are four different stages of progress:

  1. SALOK—enters the Arena; the danger is the Manas, Mind, i.e. doubts, etc.

  2. SARUPA—to become like THAT, danger of Satan (pride).

  3. SAMI—so near that one cannot say if they are one or two. Danger Devas, they revolt so that the human may not be their master. In other words, that would mean all the illusions from which people suffer: clairvoyance, vision of Devas.

  4. SAYUJ—perfectly united so that all the stages become one in Oneness. Danger of soul. They think that they have realized everything, and reject God and the Master (inflation, according to C. Jung).

  First comes Realization, later Consciousness (full knowledge of Realization). For instance: I am in Delhi. That is the realization of the fact of being in Delhi. But you may not know Delhi—only if you know the town, street by street, have you a complete knowledge of it.

  In the mystical states there is at first fulgurant contact, very fugitive; later, continuous absorption which is a permanent state; and the third is SWABHAVA state, where the experience becomes part of one’s nature. SAHAJA—one dwells in one’s proper nature and one is master of it. This is Effortless Samadhi according to the Vedantins.

  Sufis calls the first state: HAL; the second: MAKAN; and the third: FANA FI ‘L-HAQQ

  21nd November

  DREAM: I remember only the end of it, when I and either my sister (or L.?) came into a very large empty room which was closed until now and full of dust. We sat on the mats, or rugs, and in the room were a few smallish animals which I knew were “deer, spiders.” They had the body of a tiny deer, not larger than a weasel, but in the place where should have been its head they had tentacles, like octopuses, and wicked eyes. I knew they were very dangerous, and I was afraid of them as they tried to come nearer. But my sister (or L.) was telling me that it is enough to swoosh them away with my shoe, and they will go away. I did as I was told and they did go. Later we came back into the same room, after many happenings of which I remember nothing, but this time I did not see the deer, spiders and said so to my companion. But suddenly I saw one coming right at me intending to attack me. I grabbed it at the back of the neck, as one does with snakes, pressing its head to the ground. “Give it to me,” said an old man with a beard coming towards me. I said I could not, because if I let it go, it will bite me, but he did not listen and got hold of the animal. And as I let it go, it swiftly turned ro
und, got hold of my finger and, while the old man was tearing it away, half of my finger came with it, the teeth of the animal tearing at it savagely. It did not hurt, but looked rather bad.

  INTERPRETATION: “Something savage and dangerous has been taken away, wounding you. Things do happen, and how will you know that they are happening? You are told so in a dream.”

  Didn’t he say a while ago that some force had to be used on me?

  Couldn’t that be the meaning of the dream? Slept well again. Told him though that, if he does not sleep at all, it is not proper for me to sleep either.

  “Maybe… later—not yet,” and he smiled. I always knew, when I said something which pleased him, by a radiant smile half-hidden in his beard….

  Dusty furniture. Large room full of dust, never opened before; wicked animals, old man with a beard… hmm… very significant from the Jungian point of view ….

  22nd November

  ONCE HE SAID that love is created or produced in the heart of the disciple by the Yogic Power of the Guru.

  “How is it done?” I asked. L. was dressing after her bath and stood in front of the mirror powdering her face.

  “I don’t know,” she said simply, examining her forehead closely.

  “But how can I be made to love him? He is a stranger to me! I respect him, he intrigues me, I find him intensely interesting; but love? No, there is none of that, and how is it to be understood?”

  She was outlining her lips with lipstick with deliberate slowness.

  “Well,” she said, looking at my reflection in the mirror and wiping off a small smudge from the corner of her mouth, “well, the disciple progresses through love. Love is the driving force, the greatest Power of Creation. As the disciple has not enough love in him to have sufficient of the propelling power to reach the Goal, so love is increased, or ‘created’ simply by activating the Heart Chakra.”